I compare the season of fall in my life to how I view New Year's Eve for everyone else.   It is a time of year where I reflect on my summer and the previous year along with my goals and aspirations as I move forward.   

My goals and aspirations changed significantly in my fifties as I became a grandmother and began to consider retirement.

And I am seeing them change significantly again as I move into my sixties.   I still have goals and aspirations, and I always will.   But, they are more geared now to enjoyment.  To surrounding myself with people and activities that give me pleasure.  To being present in each and every moment.

What a Summer

For the past year leading up to the summer, I had been knee deep in helping my mom navigate ongoing infections and slow cognitive decline.  It came to a head in the spring, and I worked hard to get her into a decent long term care situation.   Over the summer, I was facing packing up her apartment - which I accomplished.

My father and stepmother stay with us each summer, and they arrived in July.   The week after they arrived was our family vacation week which I very much look forward to each year.   It's a time when my husband and all of our kids and grands are together.   Typically, my parents join, but this year they decided not to - they weren't feeling great.

We had our vacation week and it was wonderful.

I arrived home on a Tuesday and was awakened at 4:00 am on Wednesday morning by my father.   My stepmom was in tremendous pain.   We called 911, she went in for emergency surgery, and was diagnosed with cancer.   Watching her and my father having navigate this situation was painful.   But, I was also so glad they were with us and I was so glad to be able to be there to support.

Random Lessons Learned (In No Particular Order)

Embrace Your Siblings

I am my mother's only child, so I was the person caring for her.   I dealt with her narcissism alone, made decisions alone, and packed up her place alone.   I had my husband there to listen and help where he could, but ultimately, I was on my own.

The day of my stepmom's surgery, my stepbrother jumped in the car and drove the 5 hours down to where we are.   My stepsister got a plane ticket and arrived the following day.   The relief and gratitude that I felt towards them was overwhelming. 

This is their mom - I get that.   But, I had been so used to managing things on my own that it never occurred to me that I wouldn't have to be alone in this.   Which leads to my next takeaway from the summer:

Be Present in the Moments and You Will Find Your Gratitude

I talk often about the importance of being present in terms of how it relates to the joyful moments.   

But life is not full of joyful moments 100% of the time.   It can't be.

So, we will be required to be present in the not so joyful moments.  By being present in those moments, we will feel the sad or angry emotions.   

However, when we are fully present, there will be moments even in those sad times that lead you to feel real gratitude.   Here were a few of mine:

• that sense of relief and support when my siblings were right there;
• my husband's shoulder on the days when I needed to just have a good cry and his ear on the days I needed to download;
• my walks on those summer mornings;
• biting into a delicious juicy peach;
• moments of laughter with my dad;
• the day I walked out of my mother's apartment and turned in her keys knowing that the job was finally done;
• the fact that I had been able to enjoy my family vacation with my kids and grands before it all hit the fan.

There were so many more.   I've made it a part of my journaling practice each day to sit and reflect on what I loved and was grateful for that day.  I love going back and reading those entries. 

Especially when going through a rough patch - it can bring a smile in the middle of a fearful time.

Stop Bracing Myself for the Next Catastrophe

This was the topic of a heart to heart with my husband this summer.  He felt frustrated because he watched me work so hard to get my mom the long-term coverage and care that she needed.  He watched me get her into the place where I knew she would get the care she needed and would be as happy as she could be.  He watched me navigate people and systems to make it all happen.

And then he watched me chalk it up to "luck" that she's where she is.

And immediately go on to brace myself for the next bad thing.

Without giving myself credit for hard work and a job well done.    Without enjoying that moment.  And without telling myself that my mother is lucky to have me as a daughter.

So, I took a moment to do all of that.    And, will try moving forward to stop bracing myself for the next disaster.   And to give myself credit where it is due.

And down the same lines:

Remember to Treat Myself as I Would My Best Friend

We, in this community of women, can be very hard on ourselves.  We often strive for perfection and, as a result, can push ourselves unreasonably.

We often don't give ourselves the credit that we deserve or permission to take some time to rest or just to engage in an activity simply because it is something that bring us joy.

While we are quick to give our friends an ear, a shoulder, a pat on the back, and an "atta girl!" we do not do this for ourselves.

This summer, I've started treating myself as I would a close friend.   Giving myself grace.   

Because, I really DO deserve it!

So do you.

Now, I'm looking forward to an amazing fall.